life
Comments 26

So fucking special

I think my life would be a lot easier if I wasn’t obsessed with truth. Truth in all things. I badger the people I love about getting to the bottom of things – why did you do that, why do you think that, why, why, why.

Sometimes it feels inevitable that my life took this turn. A writer asks questions. A writer tries to make sense of human nature. And what bigger question is there than who runs the world – who creates reality?

In no way do I think I am unique in asking these questions. I think a lot of people do, and I think that’s why all these ‘truther’ movements are popping up. As marketing and image-obsession increasingly seep into all aspects of our lives, people are eventually bound to start craving truth, honesty and beauty, which all used to be found in art. But even art is an endless marketing campaign now. Maybe it always was, who knows.

So then the artist turns to reality – how can I shatter these walls around me? How can I make a space that is bigger and more free?

It doesn’t have to be an all consuming obsession. Push against the boundaries of reality too much and you are bound to go mad. But the unease is always there, creating an unsteady foundation. I don’t try to fix it. I accept sadness as a counterweight to happiness, because I have known them both. I accept that there are questions I will never have answered, some because they are cloaked in shadow, some because science hasn’t caught up with them yet. And some because I didn’t ask, and now too much time, space and distance have passed and the answers matter to none but me. An artist needs unanswered questions and unfinished moments.

I used to think I would live forever, like all teenagers do. I fantasized that I would be unearthly rich and that by the time I was old someone would have invented freezing technology that allowed you to time-travel through the future – un-freezed and thawed once every century so that I could take a look around at all the advances made – before going back to sleep. That way all the answers would be revealed to me and I wouldn’t have to miss out on a single truth.

The artist fancies herself special. It took a while, and a lot of growing, for me to realize all living things fancy themselves special. These days I revel in being ordinary. Fortunate in the lottery of birth, educated and encouraged to follow my curiosities, a lovely home, lovely family. I’m no more or less depressed than most people. There are a million things I could change about myself, and a million things I should feel more content with. Average. Ordinary. Do you know how special that is?

We need art to make sense of humanity. We need philosophy to guide morals, integrity and justice. These endeavors are not useless; quite the opposite. And when all else fails ask yourself the immortal question: why so serious? No one here gets out alive.

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26 Comments

  1. I followed the link to this after reading your latest – Desentionalizing News. I spent a couple of hours this morning with an artist acquaintance of mine who certainly fits the description “weird and eccentric” (not your words, those of tangerinedream). It was an unexpected encounter and took up time I had intended to use very differently. But it was an amazingly uplifting experience. She exudes love and compassion despite the many challenges she has faced and still faces in her life.

  2. The artist who thinks themselves as special are bankrupt in their art, one needs to move in the world where dirt and gold co-mingle, I’m a champion for weird or eccentric, nice blog….

  3. Three things to share quickly, 1st you gonna die, 2nd you are here so make your mark, 3rd every single moment is so important to be happy!!!!!!!!!!!!!, oh I love your thinking and creativeness.

  4. Shawn Colletti says

    The title jumped out at me and I’m glad I stopped to read. The sort of writing that makes you take a deep breath and try harder.

  5. Really interesting post, and lots of this really resonated with me. I have long accepted that many mysteries in life with go undiscovered by me; and that makes it more special when i discover truths :) x

  6. Super post. Dead right about the science not having caught up yet. It probably never will because scientists seek out facts whilst artists seek out truth!

  7. Love this post and so true. This is a journey we all must take, each at our own pace and in our own time. I am trying to lead a truthful life and have been surprised by how much disbelief with that.

    • It’s difficult to live a truthful life but I think it’s worth it because the good days are just so good! You feel connected to everything and right where you are supposed to be <3

  8. I love this: “An artist needs unanswered questions and unfinished moments.” and “We need art to make sense of humanity.” Brilliant. And a relief to me for all those unfinished drafts … <3

  9. It is how you must survive and prosper at this time because of the many traps of this world, so you find a lot of fault in many realities but sadly those that are close to you will take the biggest brunt of your raft, but prayerfully not.

      • It Will My dear ..Everything now is just Life lesson , pain is to often confused with Growing pains ..the only sense it that we’re suppose to Learn from it.I know all about losses.. Ive lost My father, brothers , Sisters ,uncles and aunts , I’ve Been rich and lately dead broke struggling but dead determined ..and things do change if you belive in them ..but first you gotta figure out What you want ..and a plan how to get it .. And meanwhile we grow thru Lifes growin pains we grow better and as we grow better we meet better people … All the best to you ..great blog ..your talented <3

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