life, travel, writing
Comments 5

If the world’s at large why should I remain

I used to travel the world with songs like these on repeat. I think if I have an addiction it is the beginnings of things. I liked drifting from city to city, always just a visitor. I do not put down roots anywhere. There is a tantalizing sadness in not belonging. A sweet ache deep in your stomach knowing that you possess absolute freedom but at a cost not many people is willing to pay.

For almost four years I forgot what that feeling was like. I made a beautiful home in a beautiful place with my love. There was no money to travel. I didn’t mind. I was so focused on following The Path. Finish school. Get a job. Make money. Save money. Because money is key, right? I lasted less than two weeks. That sweet ache in the pit of my stomach returned with such a vengeance I couldn’t breathe. The twist being, of course, that now I was too connected. I was no longer a ghost floating above earth. I was a solid shape that left footprints. “Run away, just run, start over,” the ache tells me. But at some point there is no more running away. Too many decisions has lead you here. Student debt and all the knowledge that came with it have narrowed down my infinite possibilities to just a handful of possibilities. Not to mention I actually love my husband and our home, and the world would be even more of an empty void without them.

That’s new. If running away, ignore, start over, isn’t an option then all that is left is me. And if I have to stay, really stay on this planet in this existence, the one thing that doesn’t make me want to lie down and die, is being a writer. All my life I always assumed that at one point, one day, I would become a writer but I have never actually made the decision to be a writer. I know that doesn’t sound like much but it’s a huge thing for me. This time last week I couldn’t stop crying and life seemed absolutely pointless and painful to boost. Then it finally clicked. If this is what I want to do, just do it. When I was 20 and the ache got too bad, I just left. I made the decision and I left because leaving was easier than staying. Goodbyes were heartbreaking and beautiful. I left because life should be about infinite possibilities and I couldn’t find them where I was. So I made the decision again. I am going to be a writer. There is no plan B anymore. Do you know what that feels like?

Infinite possibilities, but better. Because if I fail, I still have a life that I love.

And this album is amazing. Get it.

i like songs about drifters / books about the same
they both seem to make me feel a little less insane
walked on off to another spot
i still haven’t gotten anywhere that i want

i know that starting over is not what life’s about
but my thoughts were so loud i couldn’t hear my mouth

modest mouse – the world at large
album: good news for people who love bad news

5 Comments

  1. I know what it feels like all to well. It’s all you think about day in and day out. For me, anyway. It’s hard when others don’t understand that you want to be a writer full time and eventually a paid writer full time. They think it’s a hobby or something that should be done on the side. It still amazes me how people tend to judge me based on what I want to be. I mean, it’s not like I’m a hooker or a drug addict, I’m a writer. For those that don’t understand that, I can’t make them. Be what ever it is that you want to be.

    • What a thoughtful comment. I agree with you. I don’t understand why I spent so much time thinking being a writer is such an unattainable thing. Millions of people make their living by writing every single day! Sure, not all of it is fun writing but if you spend enough time honing your skills I think you can make it as a professional writer in the genre that appeals to you. I wish you the best of luck and I look forward to reading some of your writing! :)

  2. I’m thankful that you made that decision! I just started reading your blog this morning, and I find it very inspirational. Just keep writing… (oh, and thanks for following my blog as well; that’s how I found yours.)

    • Thank you so much! I enjoyed your post about releasing your first self-published novel. I’ll get there in time and it’s good to have as many perspectives as possible. I wish you the best of luck with yours! I’m happy to keep following your journey :)

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