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Beautiful lazy days in Hawaii (on depression)

BalayageI’ve been feeling like a phony lately. I can’t think of a life that could be more perfect than mine right now; summer in Hawaii, no schedule, I am saturated in love that spans half the globe. Sun, sand, ocean. No real worries, only an uncertain future (along with almost everyone else.) I can finally spend all my time writing, creating, watching movies, eat amazing food, learn new skills. Truly getting to know the incredible people in my life. Endless summer, extended holiday. It really couldn’t get any better (well, maybe if someone dumped a million dollars in my lap so I could continue doing exactly this forever) so why is my brain choosing this time to get so goddamn sad about everything?

How I deal with depression. Depression and death are closely connected in my mind. I read that the thoughts you have on death and the inherent meaninglessness of life when you are depressed are false, but the cruel irony of depression is that those very thoughts will suddenly seem more genuine than any other thought you have had in your life. So at a time when everything seems so incredibly meaningless, when the act of talking or even smiling is soul-draining, you have to find the strength to realize that this is a false reality. Supposedly. Because this sounds like an exercise invented by brainless happy people who can’t come to terms with the fact that their existence is meaningless, right? But the majority has spoken; life is good and worth hanging on to.

lanikaishore3First I try to access if I really want to be dead, or if I just want a change in what I’m currently doing. Most of the time there are still things I want to do, like visit Rome and find out how Game of Thrones ends. So then I assume I just feel really sorry for myself. And I start to think about all the people who have more right to feel sorry for themselves than me, which is about 93% of the world’s population, so around 6,5 billion people. I have never been hungry, never experienced a day where I couldn’t pay for my living expenses. I have a family that love and support me unconditionally. I’m highly educated (although, depending on your state of mind, this can be both a curse and a blessing), I’m creative, I’ve traveled a large chunk of the world by age thirty. I have amazing friends whose company I enjoy and they seem to enjoy mine in return. I really, really love my soon-to-be husband and our life together.

Maybe what I call depression is really just laziness? Because there is so much work (not jobs, two separate things) to do in this world and I don’t know where to start. Read More

Review: Spring Breakers (2012)

spring-breakers-wallpaper-1Damn. So I just watched Spring Breakers and I was honestly expecting some version of ‘Disney Grows Up’ Bubblegum Movie with a Morality Lesson at the end. Now I wonder where the hell I got that idea. What I got was a highly stylized, gritty, glamorous, pornographic violence fantasy set an unlikely soundtrack. So I looked up the writer/director. Harmony Korine of Kids fame. Ok, I get it now. The universe has once again aligned. Now I expected to really not like the movie, so imagine my surprise when I did.

The movie makes me sad, and I’m happy it makes me sad. The so-called glamour of collage kids gone wild is degrading to both women and men. Alcohol consumed with tubes, bikinis coming off, coke snorted off naked bodies. Beer bottles masquerading as penises and the girls can’t get enough. And that’s just the first minute or so.

I am a HUGE sucker for unexpected contrast in films so that’s the main reason this movie appealed to me, even more so than the story, which, when you sit down to analyze it, doesn’t amount to much and you have to leave logic and traditional chronological storytelling at the door. Every major event in the movie is not only foreshadowed but actually flash forwarded to five minutes before they happen, which you think would spoil things, but they actually make everything more suspenseful.
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World Refugee Day 2013

June 20 is World Refugee Day. This year a report from the UN’s Refugee Agency, United Nations High Commissioner for Refugees (UNHCR), says global forced displacement is at an 18-year high, with 45 million people displaced from their homes in 2012. That number includes the over 15 million refugees (people who have fled across borders) and almost 30 millions internally displaced people (IDPs) who were forced to flee their homes but remain in the country. More recent displacements from Syria are not part of this statistic so next year’s report is sure to look even grimmer.

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The beginning is near

TheBeginningisNearThis is such a fantastic picture – it really stirs the imagination and I’m obsessed with it. I love the idea of leaving behind the rubble and reaching for the stars. Very fitting sustainability wise, too. Is this the beginning or are we still in the dark ages of true human potential?

10 Steps to a Sustainable Life: Step 4 (Value experiences over material things)

If I could sum up my master’s degree in sustainability in one word it would be “value”. The value of something is subjective and it means the importance we ascribe physical objects, experiences and even metaphysical undertakings such as learning and spirituality. For instance, I value my family more than anything, certainly more than to put a monetary value on it. I am sure you feel the same way about yours and the people in your life. But you don’t value my family as much as you do yours, and vice versa, so the concept of value is intangible and difficult to translate into a meaningful common reality.

environment-and-moneySo we invented money to make it less confusing. The only problem is we took it too far and today anything can be ascribed a monetary value, including our ecosystem and life itself. When the monetary system was invented as we know it today we forgot to put a value on nature because at the time nature – air, water, soil, plants, forests and other natural resources – seemed abundant and infinite so we just took them for granted. We spent two hundred years trashing and abusing nature because society gave us permission to separate nature and money. It’s a complete fallacy. If you take two minutes to really think about what money represent, that anything you can ever buy with money comes from the planet (for free), and the continued supply of that resource is dependent on the health of our ecosystems. Yet we continue to treat nature as a cheap 99 cent outlet from which we can take indiscriminately and a convenient garbage disposal after the goods are consumed. What happens when there is no more nature left? When all we have is money, that dirty wrinkled cotton or number blinking on a computer screen. Then what is money worth? Sustainability means leaving something in the condition which you found it so that it may continue to be of use for others. Our life style is the opposite of that.

travel-is-the-only-thing-you-buy-that-makes-you-richerThere is a great quote I have seen going around Facebook that says “Travel is the only thing you buy that makes you richer” and for me that has been very true. I basically spent a good chunk of my $60,000 student loan to travel the world for five years by age 26 and I don’t regret it for a second. (I spent the other half living in Hawaii for three years. Best. Investment. Ever. Grad school was ok, too.) I don’t own a lot of possessions. The most expensive thing I’ve ever bought besides my education is probably a tie between plane tickets and my 13″ MacBook Pro. I do love clothes so all together my closet is probably worth a couple of thousand dollars collected over ten years or so.

Take an inventory to see what your life is worth. I’m sure you’ll find the things that don’t translate into money means a whole lot more. I may be financially broke now, along with the majority of people around the world, but I am rich in experiences. These days I add value to my life by writing down my stories, sharing them and reading other people’s stories. I love experiencing art, especially movies, and I try making new friends where I live. It doesn’t cost a lot of money but it makes me infinitely richer every day.

lessthanyouhaveFurther reading: 10 Steps to a Sustainable Life : Step 1, Step 2, Step 3

Orwell and good in the land of the free

Wow, a lot has happened to the stories we tell ourselves this past week! Another layer peeled from the onion that makes up our reality. I have to admit, I don’t pay too much attention to whistle-blower scandals but when journalists like Chris Hedges and the good people over at Truthdig flood their headlines with the name Edward Snowden I just have to know what the fuss is about.

Turns out the fuss was pretty major. On June 8, Americans learned that the National Security Agency has been collecting the telephone records of millions of U.S. customers of the telecommunication giant Verizon. It was revealed that the NSA claims internally that it has been using a top-secret spying program called PRISM to gain direct access to personal data belonging to customers of top Internet companies, including Google, Facebook, Microsoft, Apple and Yahoo.

snowden300Those revelations came to us courtesy of 29-year-old Edward Snowden, a former CIA employee who currently works for NSA outside defense contractor Booz Allen Hamilton. And as The Guardian noted, “Snowden will go down in history as one of America’s most consequential whistleblowers, alongside Daniel Ellsberg and Bradley Manning.”

So most of us vaguely knew that the US government has been spying on its citizens for a while and since 9/11 and the Patriot Act, it has all been perfectly “legal“. But we didn’t know to what extent and now we have confirmation that the extent is, basically, “everything”. All our calls, texts, emails, blogs, internet comments. It is all being monitored. Personally, I am not surprised. I’m still upset about the fact that I was questioned about this blog at the airport during immigration a couple of weeks ago. I already knew they knew pretty much everything. But seriously, think about it. Everything. Your Facebook messages to your best friend. Your emails to your mom. Your naughty texts to your significant other. Everything.

quote-in-a-time-of-universal-deceit-telling-the-truth-is-a-revolutionary-act-george-orwell-139716Perhaps the most frightening aspect to all of this is the overwhelming support for continuing the surveillance program, that the majority of people in the US say they don’t mind being spied on by the government because they have nothing to hide. Because it is in our best interest for our own security from terrorists and people who wish us harm. Consider now that the likelihood of being victim of a terrorist attack is less than the likelihood of being struck by lightening. Not to mention the likelihood of being involved in a car accident, so I suppose the next logical step is to stop going outside all together. But don’t most accidents happen in the home?

It seems to me that we have become a species too afraid to live. We want all kinds of assurances that everything is going to be ok, right up to the point where we are willing to give up everything that make life worth living in the first place. Why are we so terribly afraid of death, when death is actually the only thing in this life that is absolutely 100% guaranteed to happen?

1984_by_alcook-d4z39dhIn all of this troublesome news I did find the report that sales of George Orwell’s novel 1984 (written in 1949) have been soaring this past week, up 5000% on Amazon, somewhat amusing. My boyfriend and I are often gobsmacked (yes, seriously) by how it can be that this novel written over 60 years ago still functions as a blueprint of how the world have evolved since then. Just the fact that he didn’t set it in some alternative universe but rather titled it 1984 as the ultimate dystopian future for humanity, and while we have a lot more junk food and nice, shiny gadgets than in the book, the surveillance state aspect of the book is frighteningly similar. Consider these famous quotations from the book:

Who controls the past controls the future. Who controls the present controls the past.

We live in a world where a lot of the history, especially from the past 100 years, has been written by the American empire. In this version of the truth, all their wars have been just and they are never the initial aggressor. We live in a world where corporate interests trumps all and governments bend to their will, yet the people in charge remain in shadows. What if we lived in a world where wars are never just? Which leads us to Orwell’s next quote, the mantra of the 1984 world. Repeat it enough and it becomes truth:

war is peace
freedom is slavery
ignorance is strength

It’s a fun exercise to try and argue the truth of the above statements. I suppose war is peace if you enter the war with the notion that it will eventually bring peace, not considering the broken generation that grows up after the war and their desire for revenge. Freedom could be considered slavery if you as a free person had to fend for yourself in a lawless world, whereas as a slave you will consistently have access to shelter and food as long as you work for the masters. Ignorance is strength… well, this one speaks for itself. Go to any online news article on CNN, FOX or HuffingtonPost that discusses contraception, abortion and rape. We have all the technological advances in the world yet seemingly a lot of us prefer to spend our time telling others what they can and cannot do with their bodies. On the internet.

George Orwell died in 1950, at age 47.

tumblr_m3t7ciBC2q1rrimczo1_1280What is your relationship with death? Have you made a conscious decision not to live in fear of it? I don’t remember exactly when or how, but I did some time ago. I do occasionally struggle with depression and when you find yourself in the grip of it, death suddenly seems like a very real and tangible thing, like a final relief. There is comfort in knowing this existence is temporary and that might actually be enough to keep you going; to keep being happy again. It doesn’t matter what you believe comes after death since no one alive will ever know for sure, but living in fear of death is just a big waste of life. That’s how they can control you. That is how they can make you do terrible things you never thought yourself capable of, or simply make you turn a blind eye to terrible things being done by others.

Don’t let your fear of death get in the way of living. Because right now it seems like that is what the people in control is banking on. That your fear will grant them the power to shape this world into their image. I think it’s a good thing we all read and re-read 1984 because the sad image below is what CNN’s front page wants us to take home from all these stunning revelations.

Screen shot 2013-06-11 at 10.00.36 PM

A history of writing

Hi everyone. This is going to be a more personal post where I talk about my purpose for blogging and how it has been going for me so far. I gave myself a year to figure out blogging in the public sphere and since I started in January, this month marks the six months mark of that year.

I have been writing and blogging in some shape or form on the internet since I was 16. That’s when I discovered LiveJournal around 2000. It’s scary to realize that is almost half my life because it doesn’t feel that long ago! I also started posting at FanFiction.net around that time, and no, I will never in a million years reveal my username. At that time I barely had a grasp on the English language but for some reason that didn’t stop me from publishing my angst-filled work and even build a reader base. Ah, it truly was a more innocent time for the internets. The front page of LiveJournal looked like this: Read More

A day in the life…

BunNapCollage

… of the world’s most indignant bunny! We are currently in the process of switching from an all pellet-based diet to a healthy hay-based one. This is hunger strike day two and Bun is demonstrating here how absolutely inconsequential my existence is to his life. (When a bunny flops in front of you, he is either showing a) that he’s comfortable around you, or b) find your presence so insignificant that he’s going to goddamn flop anyway. It can be hard to tell the difference. Either way, it’s probably something you did and you should be feeling bad about it.)

March Against Monsanto: Hawaii (NO GMO)

The global March Against Monsanto, a rally against genetically modified food, took place on May 25 in 52 countries and 436 cities across the world. I was in Waikiki, Hawaii. The energy was just incredible from the moment you joined the crowd. Among luxury retailers and immaculate sidewalks over 1000 protesters took over the busy street around noon on Saturday. It was hard to estimate the number of people until the rally started marching but I do think it was well over one thousand, ranging from adults, youths, kids and some people didn’t even let injuries stop them and came in wheelchairs.

MaM3

It was truly a Hawaiian celebration. Signs like ‘GMOs in Hawaii – we ain’t bout dat life!’, ‘Monsanto is not pono (right)’, and ‘protect our aina (land)’. Jerome James and Joel Spiral provided drums, music and slogans which turned the 90 minutes walk into a real party. If this is what the world looks like without GMOs, sign me up! Doing some in-the-streets activism with like-minded people was the perfect energy boost this jaded internet activist needed. The movement for a more sustainable world is alive and well.

Let’s go jump in the ocean!!

MaM4

One hour later, Waikiki returns to its former tourist’s paradise.

Writers worth knowing: Chris Hedges

Really great 30 minutes radio interview with Chris Hedges who has been my journalistic hero for quite some time now. Learn about his past and experiences that led to his current worldview of humanity in crisis. chris-hedgesOnce you start the journey to sustainability you will experience many stop-overs on just about every issue on the planet – from environmentalism, corporatism, politics, economy, philosophy, humanism, religion, and last but not least, an evaluation of personal beliefs. True sustainability cannot be “part” of all the other beliefs we hold – it has to encompass the whole damn thing. It means the planet’s ability to sustain life has to come before our own needs, and certainly before money. Chris Hedges is one of the few prolific journalists who is not afraid to speak the message “Let’s change or die“. He attacks the problem of injustice from multiple angles, and while most of his writing can be depressing and downright frightening, I always learn something new about what rings dangerously close to “the truth”. In this day and and age, that is rare indeed.

Do you have any favorite articles or books of Hedges’? Mine is Growth is the Problem. You can find his weekly column at Truthdig.com.